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10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Shop on Black Friday – 2015 Edition

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Indeed! It’s that time of year once again when I share my list of things I’d rather do than shop on Black Friday, so let’s get on with it. Ready? Here goes. I’d rather:

  1. Lick Donald Trump’s hair flap
  2. Finally pass the 4th grade at the age of 18 and buy a souped-up, jacked-up, white pick-up with 35 inch tires in which to fly the Confederate Flag.
  3. Spend my down time on Facebook reading Fox news articles and status updates from those who post them.
  4. Knock each tooth from my mouth with an anvil.
  5. Eat a vat of GMO corn during a painful bout of irritable bowel syndrome.
  6. Elect Ben Carson for President.
  7. Buy a Volkswagen diesel.
  8. Use Internet Explorer.
  9. Akin to number 9 above – Use a Saran Wrap condom.
  10. Have Jar Jar Binks appear in  Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

There it is, folks. If you want to read more of my inappropriate Black Friday blogs, you’ll find ’em below:

2012

2013

2014

If you are a Black Friday shopper, wear a helmet and be safe out there.

9 Things I’d Rather Do Than Shop on Black Friday – 2014 Edition

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Boy are you in for a treat, folks. It’s time for my annual list of things I’d rather do than shop on Black Friday. For those who know me well, shopping isn’t in my joy any day of the year, but Black Friday?… Gah! I’d rather:

1. Meet Bill Cosby, alone, in an elevator wearing loose pants and a faulty belt after dry swallowing 12 roofies and shooting a dose of Krokodil. (Too soon?)

2. Drink 50 gallons of colonoscopy cleanse sprinkled with baking soda and topped with a stiff meringue.

3. Contract ebola while moving to Detroit.

4. Ask Jennifer Lawrence to remove my gallbladder with only her Mockingjay pin.

5. Have my stomach stapled to the size of a single grain of uncooked white rice.

6. Take a deep breath while having a hot flash and have the backdraft consume me in fiery flames.

7. Have a nudie photo shoot after eating Mexican food every day for three years and store said photos in the cloud.

8. “Eat a steady diet of government cheese and live in a van down by the river.”

9. Buy another PC.  This time with Windows 8.

If you missed 2012 you can find it here. And 2013 here.

If it’s in your joy to shop on Black Friday do be safe, my friends.

Till next year.