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10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Shop on Black Friday – 2015 Edition

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Indeed! It’s that time of year once again when I share my list of things I’d rather do than shop on Black Friday, so let’s get on with it. Ready? Here goes. I’d rather:

  1. Lick Donald Trump’s hair flap
  2. Finally pass the 4th grade at the age of 18 and buy a souped-up, jacked-up, white pick-up with 35 inch tires in which to fly the Confederate Flag.
  3. Spend my down time on Facebook reading Fox news articles and status updates from those who post them.
  4. Knock each tooth from my mouth with an anvil.
  5. Eat a vat of GMO corn during a painful bout of irritable bowel syndrome.
  6. Elect Ben Carson for President.
  7. Buy a Volkswagen diesel.
  8. Use Internet Explorer.
  9. Akin to number 9 above – Use a Saran Wrap condom.
  10. Have Jar Jar Binks appear in  Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

There it is, folks. If you want to read more of my inappropriate Black Friday blogs, you’ll find ’em below:

2012

2013

2014

If you are a Black Friday shopper, wear a helmet and be safe out there.

9 Things I’d Rather Do Than Shop on Black Friday – 2014 Edition

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Boy are you in for a treat, folks. It’s time for my annual list of things I’d rather do than shop on Black Friday. For those who know me well, shopping isn’t in my joy any day of the year, but Black Friday?… Gah! I’d rather:

1. Meet Bill Cosby, alone, in an elevator wearing loose pants and a faulty belt after dry swallowing 12 roofies and shooting a dose of Krokodil. (Too soon?)

2. Drink 50 gallons of colonoscopy cleanse sprinkled with baking soda and topped with a stiff meringue.

3. Contract ebola while moving to Detroit.

4. Ask Jennifer Lawrence to remove my gallbladder with only her Mockingjay pin.

5. Have my stomach stapled to the size of a single grain of uncooked white rice.

6. Take a deep breath while having a hot flash and have the backdraft consume me in fiery flames.

7. Have a nudie photo shoot after eating Mexican food every day for three years and store said photos in the cloud.

8. “Eat a steady diet of government cheese and live in a van down by the river.”

9. Buy another PC.  This time with Windows 8.

If you missed 2012 you can find it here. And 2013 here.

If it’s in your joy to shop on Black Friday do be safe, my friends.

Till next year.

8 Things I’d Rather Do Than Shop on Black Friday – 2013 Edition

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Yup folks, it’s time for my annual list of things I’d rather do than shop on Black Friday:

  1. Attend a farm to table dinner with tea baggers (either kind.)
  2. Swim with Tilikum at Sea World wearing nothing but a sardine necklace.
  3. Watch Miley twerk for 94 consecutive hours while eating a steady diet of frozen uncooked McRibs.
  4. Act as the late Ariel Castro’s tube sock in prison (pre auto-erotic asphyxiation.)
  5. Surgically embed strings of Craisins & popcorn in my mammary glands
  6. Sign up for NixonCare with an Apple Lisa.
  7. Ask Paul Ryan to inject a hefty dose of Krokodil into my vagina.
  8. Sit in the eye of Hurricane Sandy reading the Left Behind series.

If you missed the 2012 list, you can find it here. Till next year.

10 Things I’d Rather Do Than to Shop on Black Friday – 2012 Edition

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In the tradition of top ten lists everywhere, I’m instituting the beginnings of my own tradition – a list of top things I’d rather do than shop on Black Friday. Enjoy.

  1. Insert a moist parasite into the depths of my bowels with a pair of tongs.
  2. Shave my armpits with a lice infested cheese grater.
  3. Alphabetically file all the names of the children in China. Twice.
  4. Drink a warm mixture of acid, cat urine and Redbull.
  5. Lose my right pinkie finger in an unfortunate “smelting accident.”
  6. Scalp myself with a crude and rusty implement while singing Surrey with a Fringe on Top.
  7. Eat a heaping bowl of toe jam with ladyfingers.
  8. Squeegee all the windows of the Empire State building with the corner of a soiled napkin.
  9.  Dance to Weird Al Yankovic with real zombies during the apocalypse.
  10. Swallow three lit tiki torches while wearing nothing but a sparse grass skirt.