This isn’t a crisis.
It’s a threshold.
That low hum of anxiety & the emptiness that makes you wonder, “Is this it?”
The way you sob uncontrollably while watching “Call the Midwife”, even though you chose not to have children.
The flashes of rage when people stumble past your rickety boundaries & scorch the scrap of peace you’ve cobbled together with scotch tape covered in cat hair.
This isn’t something to fix.
It’s something to face.
If you recognize yourself here, this is where we begin.
Midlife handed you a pair of Lululemons & what you actually need is a shovel
You’ve already done So. Much. Work. to get where you are right now.
The advanced degrees. That fifth certification program. Your self-help books which are so inundated with sticky tabs they look like they have teeth.
You’ve listened to the podcasts on mindfulness. Maybe you even set them to 2x speed like I do. And…smack dab in the middle of them there’s an advertisement for Botox. You’ve unloaded your history in therapy. And those red lipstick affirmations you wrote on the mirror? They never quite rubbed off, literally and figuratively.
None of it was wasted.
And none of it was enough.
Despite the shifts and growth, still…here you are.
And instead of a shovel, you’ve been working with a toothpick.
Here is what stayed buried:
Grab your peacoat & galoshes and take a journey with me…
Everyone has their story of when their not-enoughness began. Not smart enough…Not pretty enough…Not creative enough…
Not enough. Period.
In part, mine started when I came home from school in the 4th grade waving my report card in my stepfather’s face so hard that the miniature turtles on the white sleeve of my turtleneck were all a blur. All A’s and one B.
I was so proud.
He was not so proud. And mornings before school, he’d pull out our vinyl soundtrack from The Wizard of Oz and play “If I Only Had a Brain” every morning before I went to school.
Thirty years later, the grooves on that record were as deep as the Grand Canyon. Bachelor’s degree at 40 years old with a Valedictorian nomination. Masters degree at 47. Coach training after coach training and certification after certification.
And pretty enough? The sheer number of times per day that I would re-apply my foundation during lunch in high school—a secret behavior which continued well into my forties. There was no amount of Cover Girl that could ever be enough. And ladies, it was the eighties. I looked like a damned Oompa Loompa. And let me tell you, the stains never came out of those shirt collars. Not a good look.
And artistic enough? One piece of careless feedback from an MFA mentor canceled out all other praise of my writing and I went publicly silent for nine years. Instead, I threw myself into helping others to write their books; build their dreams; succeed in their businesses. It was a protective way to stay writing adjacent without the exposure and the criticism.
Then the losses came. My health after being diagnosed with hashimotos and rheumatoid arthritis. My father. My brother after he fell into his own campfire. Aunts. Uncles. Pets. Friends.
And somewhere in the middle of all of that grief, the things I’d given so much credence to had lost their meaning. My not-enoughness felt ridiculous against the backdrop of actual deaths and illness. No foundation (even Mac) was going to cover this up. No Botox. No Lululemons.
So I picked up the shovel.
I owned the disowned parts of myself—the ones I’d been performing around for decades. The conditioning. The inherited stories. The one I’d written myself. I did the heavy, unglamorous work of stopping trying to fix myself according to what everyone else thought I should be.
I’m not 1,000 miles ahead of you.
I’m just far enough ahead to hold the lantern.
And what was I waiting for?
Permission slips?
As Jungian analyst James Hollis writes, midlife is a time to “go back and pick up the bits and pieces that you left behind—gifts, talents, capacities, interests, and passions.”
So. How do we pick up the bits?
We begin by looking at what you buried.
We’re not digging around in the muck to fix you. You’re not broken. But…we do have to understand what went underground with the worms and why.
Your soul is utterly brilliant. It created a character who knew to adapt and fit in for survival. That character dimmed your light so you wouldn’t be rejected. It said “of course” instead of saying “no” so you could belong. It managed everyone else’s experience so you would be loved.
It made sense.
100%.
We unearth the patterns, both the ones you inherited and the ones you created for yourself, and we follow them all the way back to where they began.
That’s when you start to see the story you’ve been living. The one that keeps everyone in your life (including you) right exactly where you are. Comfortable? Perhaps. Miserable? Likely.
And once you see it, you can change it.
Okay. What does this actually look like?
We work together for six months: bi-weekly sessions, a whole lotta depth, and support in between: guided journeys, journaling prompts, check-ins. Enough time to dig. Enough time to see genuine movement.
Some clients find six months is exactly right. Others know there’s more to unearth, and we continue. We’ll know.
Enough time to see those pesky patterns that are playing out in your life. You know those grooves on your own record? Replaying the same relationships, the same triggers, the same people-pleasing.
And…that low hum of anxiety? It becomes excitement. The question “Is this it?” gives way to something you couldn’t have imagined saying before: “I can hardly wrap my head around this life I get to live.”
If there’s uncontrollable sobbing, it’s no longer grief for a life not fully lived. It’s gratitude. Because your life has become almost unbearably beautiful.
What of those rickety boundaries and the scrap of peace you cobbled together with scotch tape covered in cat hair? Replaced with a deep sense of self. A standing in your power like none you’ve ever felt before.
I am in awe of the person I have become since working with Melanie. I just completed my last session and although deeply saddened as our time together has come to an end, I am walking into my new life with direction and a confidence I sorely lacked five months ago… In addition to fulfilling her commitment to me, through my writing, I was able to heal so many years of emotional suffering. Melanie’s authenticity, nurturing love and well-honed intuition provided her with a deep soul knowing of exactly what I needed and when I needed it. She simply took my lead and my hand and guided me with amazing gentleness to the most unexpected and healing results. I will be forever grateful to her and whatever entity brought us together.
Here’s what I imagine for you
You’re ninety-four years old, sitting in front of your fireplace as the snow swirls outside. A young woman who honors you and your wisdom shows up to visit.
Your own peacoat is hanging on a hook by the door covered in splats of rain and mud. Your galoshes sit below the coat, holes in both soles.
Your body too may be a bit tattered. Your hands misshapen from a life of serving what showed up with both bravery and with love. Your spirit is tenacious. The light in your eyes is fierce and sharp.
You’re sharing stories of adventures. Of saying “yes”…to yourself. Of how you let go of all the cares around “what will everyone think” and followed only the voice of your own soul.
And if you passed tomorrow, you would feel complete. You couldn’t possibly wring out one more ounce of lived life.
Nothing left unsaid.
Nothing left unwritten.
Nothing left undone.
I’ve experienced a deep sense of being witnessed in our time together as I work through healing aspects of my ‘story’ and of having a compassionate, intuitive, wise, inquisitive, and interested companion as I travel this journey. It is so deeply healing.
This Work Is For You If…
This Work Is NOT For You If:
Begin with a Threshold Conversation
Nothing to be prepare. It’s simply a 30-minute space to talk, to share, to see if this is the work you’re ready for (all the way down to your toes.)
You’re not signing up to become someone new. You’re simply drained at the prospect of continuing to drown out those whispers.
You’ve been performing all your life and you have all those well-earned, shiny accolades. You can set them down for just a moment. Clarity isn’t required here. Connection is.
What are you waiting for?
Permission slips?
Working with Melanie Bates has opened me up in extraordinary ways—to the love in my life, to my own creativity, and to a deeper ability to support my family, my colleagues, and the many people I encounter through the events I produce. Melanie has stewarded this process with such depth and care, and it has helped me meet others, and myself, on a much deeper level. I’m incredibly grateful for her work and recommend her wholeheartedly.
Sign up & receive Vein of Gold
The shovel is waiting. Propped up against an ancient tree.
Vein of Gold is a free, guided active imagination. Fifteen minutes in the forest with a pile of dirt to unearth one gift, talent, or passion you left behind.
Sign up and I’ll send it your way immediately. And then, every so often, you’ll hear from me. Depth work, symbol, story, and the occasional dispatch from the Wild, Wild West about what it actually looks like to traverse the second half of life.
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