https://melaniebates.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/YN5H0VTR6O.jpg 318 500 Melanie Bates https://melaniebates.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Untitled-1.png Melanie Bates2012-11-20 01:59:222016-05-20 16:50:5910 Things I’d Rather Do Than to Shop on Black Friday – 2012 Edition
In the tradition of top ten lists everywhere, I’m instituting the beginnings of my own tradition – a list of top things I’d rather do than shop on Black Friday. Enjoy.
- Insert a moist parasite into the depths of my bowels with a pair of tongs.
- Shave my armpits with a lice infested cheese grater.
- Alphabetically file all the names of the children in China. Twice.
- Drink a warm mixture of acid, cat urine and Redbull.
- Lose my right pinkie finger in an unfortunate “smelting accident.”
- Scalp myself with a crude and rusty implement while singing Surrey with a Fringe on Top.
- Eat a heaping bowl of toe jam with ladyfingers.
- Squeegee all the windows of the Empire State building with the corner of a soiled napkin.
- Dance to Weird Al Yankovic with real zombies during the apocalypse.
- Swallow three lit tiki torches while wearing nothing but a sparse grass skirt.